Saturday, May 28, 2005

Chilloski Broski

Tonight was nice and chill. I went to my boy Garrett's house and played some pool, then went to Denny's and ate, then came home and smoked a cigar on the corner.

Why is the sky so beautiful? Like I have caught myself alot just looking at the sky and the horizon and wished I had a camera to take a picture of it. Tonight was a perfect example. I saw the moon tonight like red, and behind a cloud with orange clouds, it was hauntingly beautiful. I want to learn photography so I can caputer these moments.

Another moment today was when i was driving to the library during a light storm, the dark clouds were over head but further down the horizon the sky was breaking open and light. I kinda want to learn photography and carry a camera around with me so I can capture these moments, instead of just feabily trying to describe them. If I do this photography thing, I also want to develop my own photos. That is just me though.

My current pet project is to get a sweet record collection. Listening to music on vinyl just gives the music so much more character. When i saw High Fidelity and his apartment was filled with records my jaw dropped and I just wished I could have that. I also enjoy just being able to hold the music and work of the artist in my hand. Digital music is convenient, but tangible music is special.

Any suggestions for record stores in the Chiago area would be appreciated.



Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Questions and My Answers

These questions are from my friend, Krysta's, Xanga.
These are my answers to these questions.

  • Why are we so overly impressed by and obsessed with objects and achievements of immense scale.....when it is actually the tiny little things that, when put together make big things possible?

People don't see the little parts beacuse it is easier and faster to notice the big thing. You have to stop and think about it to realize all the little parts, and people generally don't take the time to stop and think about it. In the fast paced world we live in, people don't take the time to stop and notice the little things. Also every thing is made out of smaller things, no matter what, even atoms are made out of other particles, and probably smaller things ad infinitum. So we can keep looking at the smaller things for all eternity.
  • Why do we try to create our own little worlds so we have the illusion of being completely in control of our entire existence when we know with absolute certainty that we are not?
Well how do we know there is a world outside our mind, and that everything we experience isn't imagined? If that were true we could potentially be in controll of our world, but just haven't figured it out yet. That aside, it is probably because it is easier to deal with things when you feel they are under your controll or under someone else's control. The less we have under our control the more is left to chaos or other's control, which most see as chaos anyways. With less being in our control the less our decisions matter, and if our decisions don't matter what is the point in making decisions.

  • Why do we go on and on about individuality being the very essence of who we are, and then accept a degrading level of conformity in virtually every facet of our lives?
Acceptance. Everyone wants to feel accepted and loved, and are willing to sacrifice to get that, how much they are willing to sacrifice depends on who they are. The line between conformity and compromise is a very thin line. People accept degrading levels of conformity though because they want to feel a part of something, even if that thing is wrong, degrading. It is better than being alone, what they don't realize though is that they never are truely alone, they just simply have yet to find those that share their view on the matter.

  • Why do we get so hung up on what we don't agree on, when in fact it's our differences that make life interesting?
People don't like seeing other point's of view because tit is a threat to theirs and poses that they might be wrong. Being wrong is seen as bad in society today. It is important to see the whole point of view of others, because it helps gain a deeper understanding of that person. Where is the line between getting hung up on something and discussing it alot? I enjoy arguing with people, and you can't argue with someone if they have the same point of view as you. So really it is better to disagree on somethings.

  • Why is it that when passions are inflamed we choose to argue and fight when dancing is less injuriuos, far more enjoyable, and equally effective in resolving the tension?
The previous question deals partly with this. Dancing may resolve the tension, but it doesn't really give you perspective on the person's veiw in the area you were agruing about. Dancing also requires a clear mind and relaxation to get into, it is kinda a catch 22 (note i need to read that)

  • Why do children believe in fairies, but "grown-ups" don't?"
Children aren't forced to believe anything, adults are if they expect to succeed in life. This trapping of their mind prevents them from believing.



Lethargy

So the past couple of days I have wanted to do nothing. Like I kinda wanted to do stuff but I just argued with myself out of it. I have sat around most of the past 3 days and have done nothing. I played frisbee the other night, and my body has been killing me, that just compounded the problem. I have been waking up at like 3:00 pm those days. I feel like such a bum, just doing nothing all day. I really have no real reason to do much, it is hard when I just argue to do nothing. TV has been helpful in my time wasting, I am watching TV as I write this. I wish sometimes that I could just stop watching TV and do interesting things during the day. But then I am faced with the question of who do I do these intersting things with. I don't even know if I can plan out how to do these interesting things. I kinda want to do the thing like those kids in the Coke commercial, just drive around finding cool stuff going on. Instead I am sitting here at home wasting away.

Happiness: What is it, where does it come from, is it real or just an illusion? Happiness is caused by endorphine release in the brain, but what causes it, and it must be so much more than that. I believe that true happiness is selflessly helping people, but is there more to happiness than just that. Also I try to help people selflessly and it usually ends up with them trying to push me around. They mistake my kindness for weakness, and I hate that, but what can I do about it.

I really need to start living healthier, and figure out what I am doing. Get focused and get motivated.



Thursday, May 19, 2005

Time and Values

Today was a pretty slow day for me. I really didn't do any deep thinking, didn't really do anything. I started doing laundry, that is about it.

Time: Why do I waste it so much? This leads to the question what is a valuable use of my time? For the most part I don't know if there is an exactly better way to spend your time, other than measured by you. Like doing whatever makes you feel happy is a good way to spend your time. Argh I hate it when philosophical reasoning leads you no where, or right back where you started. The problem is that this is exactly what most thourough philosophical reasoning leads to. It makes it seem like our lives are built on very frail beliefs that only have importance because we give them meaning. I guess that is the nature of almost everything, it is only as important as we make it out ot be. What do I value?

Things I Value

Freinds: Freedom. That is what friends provide, social, emotional, and mental freedom, at least true friends should provide this. When I am around my friends I can completely let my guard down and be whatever I want. This makes me somewhat vulnerable, but also makes my life much less stressed. That is probably why I value loylty and hate betrayal so much, because of the amount of trust I put in my friends. Like when I am with my friends I feel invincible, becuause I know my friends have my back, and what ever happens we can get through it.

Reading: I love to read, but I am not comitted to it enough. I love the peace and quiet and how it allows you to expand your mind, and is a clear way to provide a certain type of knowlege. I would say reading people's thoughts are a very good way to get to know them. I am a big proponent of stream of conciousness writing, even though I have only done it once, and that didn't turn out so well. But still I would say reading someone's stream of conciousness is the best way to get an insight into how they think. Even better than discussions, because in discussions a person can gauge someone's reactions and change what they are saying or how they say it to envoke a better reaction.

Discussions: I personally prefer one on one discussions, for many reasons. Discussions are a great way to see how a person presents themself, and how they want to be seen. The problem is you really don't know how truthful a person is in a discussion. If what they say is who they truely are or who they want others to think they are. It is wonderful when you know someone well then observe them in a discussion and see who they want others to think they are. I admire people who are what they want others to see, I would like to think I am pretty close to that.

Caring: Both caring for and being cared for are the best feelings in the world. First semester I spent alot of time trying to figure out what true happiness is, and I decided it was selflessly helping others. The only way to really do this is to care for them. It is also the best feeling in the world to be loved by someone, especially unconditional love.

Movies: Movies allow us to experiences lives, and events that for the most part we will never experience ourselves. Movies provide a means to live vicariously through charcaters. Learn from their mistakes, enjoy their happiness, and see life through another set of eyes. This is why I love movies so much.

Interesting list. I like the random materialistic movies in there. Contradiction and hipocracy seems to surround us, I guess all we can do is try to keep it to a minimum.



Wednesday, May 18, 2005

A Life After College

So I am back home, and it has been nice to get back into concact with people who I haven't seen in a while, and are close to me.

What creates special bonds between people? Like what makes some relationships more special than others? Well first of all and most simply I would have to say common interests, and not just material interests, also like social and moral interests.

I just got back from dropping my brother off at a friend's house, and on the drive, I realized although many females aggrivate me, the deeper relationships I have tend to be with mostly females. It seems that females are both very deep and very superficial, this is also in general terms, while most guys tend to be the middle ground. Interesting...

I feel like my mind is too old for my body. A couple months ago I think I went through a midlife crissis, which is pretty rediculous when you think about it. With relationships with females my age I think I might be looking for too much too soon. I am looking for a deep relationship where I can share my mind and soul with a girl, and have fun with them too. Many girls claim to be looking for this but I wonder how many actually are.

Many social interations are about appearances, how you present your self to be. The relationships that really matter, it doesn't matter how you present yourself to be, because that person sees the person inside you, and no amount of crazy coverings can hide the true you. That is how you separate the relationships that matter, from those that don't. I really don't care too much about how I present myself. I really don't concern myself too much with my appearance, and how weird I act around others. I am confident with who I am on the inside, and that is all that matters.

Ignorance might be bliss, but if I had the option of being ignorant vs. knowlegeable, I would take knowlegeable any day.

Ohh yeah good song that is just pure fun. Technologic by Daft Punk, it is the one in the new iTunes commericial. It is crazy techno, I believe House is the exact genre. It just makes me want to dance. I have realized I want to dance more since college, it is kinda weird. Thoughts on dancing later.



Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Reality VS Fantasy

So I just got out of the shower, and I was thinking in the shower about ignorance, and the effect it has on people's lives.

I realized that the old saying that ignorance is bliss, holds forever true. People really don't want to have to bother with the real world and who they really are. They would much rather have this rosy view of themselves and the world. I personally would rather have the harsh truth, and I that is kinda why I am moody. Instead of living in an fancy imaginary created world in my mind, I want to know my flaws and how I am messed, so I can fix it. This is quite different than changing yourself to fit society mind you, but the concept of self analysis is very elusive. I don't believe one can completely impartially analyze themselves, this is why we must rely on others for their input.

People are more concerned with just having FUN. What is fun anyways, and at what cost is this fun had? It is a painful subject to analyze because analysis of it will basically get you nowhere, and in turn takes the FUN out of most things. All I really have to say is most people are in for self gratification, they really don't care about much else.

The female creature: Living with girls has provided me with many insights about them. Most of them are unpleasant insights. The "maturity level" of most girls I have realized is about that of a middle school child. They have had no real reason to go beyond that stage when they got boobs, and guys started doing whatever the girl wants. Most girls thrive on attention. They require it for their personal survival. Also the value of the attention you give them, depends mostly on your popularity among other girls. It is a circularly defined concept, but honestly I don't expect much different from girls. Most girls don't analyze their behavior or action, because they see no real reason to, they don't really care how their actions might negatively effect others. Concerning attraction, girls don't know what they want, and that is why confident guys are attractive to them. They are being told by the guy what is attractive. If you ask a girl what she wants in a guy she will give the typical nice, funny, caring ... But their actions speak completely different, and in all honesty chicks piss me off because of that. Also something that I was told that I find to hold completely true, is that girls are natural actors. Why this is, I don't know, and doubt I will ever understand, because why would one want one thing and do another. I should say in all fairness is that it is alot harder for me to analyze guys than it is girls, but I feel that is mostly because guys are much more straightforward than girls. There is less there to have to analyze, because most of what guys say or do can be taken at face value, I don't feel the same can be said with girls.

In closing, this first year at college living with droves of people under one roof has provided me with alot of insight into human behavior. Many of these insights I would like to publish into a book, maybe. Although I have gained much insight I am sad to say that most of this insight is negative. I have gotten to the point where the more I get to know most people, the less I realize I like them. It is crappy but it is true.

I wish I could see more goodness in people.



Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Human Mind is a Powerful tool and a Terrible curse

So yeah i am back. My webserver went well, untill i caught a virus and I got taken off the special network. But really none of this shit matters. Trivial events of our lives that people think are important. That is the real reason I am writing in this again. I am tired of superficial interactions with people who could care less about you. This is what most social interactions are, bull shit. I am tired of it. I want to see people's souls, what they are like on the inside, their beliefs and the depths of those beliefs. I am also very tired of arrogant intellectuals, people who think that because they have deeper thoughts than most it gives them the right to put down the general majority. I have also realized I am much better one on one than I am in a group, because i like to focus on one person and have them focusing on me. Trying to understand each other, because it is impossible to truely understand a person, and even coming close is really freaking hard.

People are puzzles, puzzles that take are fucking hard to figure out. I analyze things way too much. It makes my life alot more difficult than it needs to be, i see people fluttering around and i envy them, but at the same time i don't. If i had the oppertunity to give up my analytical nature i wouldn't, i can't go back. The biggest problem with my analytical nature is that all am starting to see is negative things. I have grown to dislike alot of people because i have tried to peer deep down into their soul and generally find nothing. My longing for a female partner has made my life less pleasant, first off finding a chick i really is hard enough, but then the fact that they don't like me makes things even more difficult. There are times when i don't get out of bed because i really have no real reason to. What constitues a real reason, I don't know, and that doesn't help. Most of the reasons for getting out of bed i can simply analyze away. Class, who cares, doesn't even help that much, food, if i sleep i don't get hungry, there really isn't anything. The values we hold important are mostly crap, especially here at college.

Women. I have come to the recent realization that most girls are bitches. The term bitch i use very carefully, a bitch is someone who doesn't care how their actions effect other's emotions. What is their motivation for their actions? I believe mostly attention. Girls feed and trive off attention, that is the reason for drama and why it is so prevalent in the female community. I would say about 83% of girls are bitches. Something that has been making me upset lately is people's general lack of care about others. True concern over the well being of others, emotionally, physically, and mentally has been disappearing lately, and has been replaced with concern only about oneself. Lately I have been trying to be helpful to others and sacrifice for them, my time and my desire. Unfortunately many people see this as becoming a push over, which is not true at all. They mistake my choice to help them with me helping them to try to make them like me. It is very upsetting to me, because they take something selfless and turn it into something selfish. I also hate when people don't really appreciate my sacrifice, i know that this is my ego, but i feel it shows what they think my motivation for action is.

College life is rediculous. I waste so much time for no real reason. I don't even really spend it on something else anymore, I just waste it. I sit and waste away. The human mind is a powerful tool and a terrible curse. How can i motivate myself to do stupid crap when before i act i know my motivation is groundless. I wonder how many people actually think like this, or at least this much. There are people that think they do, and when you talk to them, you see it is just on the surface. Humility is a key to understanding, one must realize that they aren't all that, and then be able to learn from their failures. With this also comes the idea that one has to relax about life and other people. I hate people telling me how to act, it is one of my biggest annoyances. Who are you to tell me how to act? You can ask me to do something different around you, but you had better be fucking nice about it, because I am accomidating you and you preferences. If you don't fuckign like what i say or do, leave. Easy enough, i don't force my beliefs on you and make you fucking do what i want, i would like the same courtesy from you.

The soul of man is a beautiful thing, but honestly I am having a hard time seeing it lately.

Oh shit, yeah Moorea and I broke up. Figured I would write that since my older postings were mostly concerning her.