So yeah i am back. My webserver went well, untill i caught a virus and I got taken off the special network. But really none of this shit matters. Trivial events of our lives that people think are important. That is the real reason I am writing in this again. I am tired of superficial interactions with people who could care less about you. This is what most social interactions are, bull shit. I am tired of it. I want to see people's souls, what they are like on the inside, their beliefs and the depths of those beliefs. I am also very tired of arrogant intellectuals, people who think that because they have deeper thoughts than most it gives them the right to put down the general majority. I have also realized I am much better one on one than I am in a group, because i like to focus on one person and have them focusing on me. Trying to understand each other, because it is impossible to truely understand a person, and even coming close is really freaking hard.

People are puzzles, puzzles that take are fucking hard to figure out. I analyze things way too much. It makes my life alot more difficult than it needs to be, i see people fluttering around and i envy them, but at the same time i don't. If i had the oppertunity to give up my analytical nature i wouldn't, i can't go back. The biggest problem with my analytical nature is that all am starting to see is negative things. I have grown to dislike alot of people because i have tried to peer deep down into their soul and generally find nothing. My longing for a female partner has made my life less pleasant, first off finding a chick i really is hard enough, but then the fact that they don't like me makes things even more difficult. There are times when i don't get out of bed because i really have no real reason to. What constitues a real reason, I don't know, and that doesn't help. Most of the reasons for getting out of bed i can simply analyze away. Class, who cares, doesn't even help that much, food, if i sleep i don't get hungry, there really isn't anything. The values we hold important are mostly crap, especially here at college.

Women. I have come to the recent realization that most girls are bitches. The term bitch i use very carefully, a bitch is someone who doesn't care how their actions effect other's emotions. What is their motivation for their actions? I believe mostly attention. Girls feed and trive off attention, that is the reason for drama and why it is so prevalent in the female community. I would say about 83% of girls are bitches. Something that has been making me upset lately is people's general lack of care about others. True concern over the well being of others, emotionally, physically, and mentally has been disappearing lately, and has been replaced with concern only about oneself. Lately I have been trying to be helpful to others and sacrifice for them, my time and my desire. Unfortunately many people see this as becoming a push over, which is not true at all. They mistake my choice to help them with me helping them to try to make them like me. It is very upsetting to me, because they take something selfless and turn it into something selfish. I also hate when people don't really appreciate my sacrifice, i know that this is my ego, but i feel it shows what they think my motivation for action is.

College life is rediculous. I waste so much time for no real reason. I don't even really spend it on something else anymore, I just waste it. I sit and waste away. The human mind is a powerful tool and a terrible curse. How can i motivate myself to do stupid crap when before i act i know my motivation is groundless. I wonder how many people actually think like this, or at least this much. There are people that think they do, and when you talk to them, you see it is just on the surface. Humility is a key to understanding, one must realize that they aren't all that, and then be able to learn from their failures. With this also comes the idea that one has to relax about life and other people. I hate people telling me how to act, it is one of my biggest annoyances. Who are you to tell me how to act? You can ask me to do something different around you, but you had better be fucking nice about it, because I am accomidating you and you preferences. If you don't fuckign like what i say or do, leave. Easy enough, i don't force my beliefs on you and make you fucking do what i want, i would like the same courtesy from you.

The soul of man is a beautiful thing, but honestly I am having a hard time seeing it lately.

Oh shit, yeah Moorea and I broke up. Figured I would write that since my older postings were mostly concerning her.