I am sick, sick of the world, and the games one is required to play in this world. People are pissing me off more and more lately, and I am tired. I really feel like I wanna just take a year off and go somewhere and really just do my own thing. I believe there are two worlds, the world of the mind, and the world that surrounds us. The more these two worlds coincide the happier one is. The world in my mind is not even close to the world that exists around me. In my world, everyone would say hello to everyone else on the street, people wouldn't try to hide who they are, they would wear it like a badge of honor for everyone else to see. In my world, people will care about how their actions effect those around them, and take that into consideration before acting. In my world everyone would love everyone else, and care about and listen to them. This is my world, and it exists only in my mind. I want to do a year of service, but I am pretty sure that it will mess everything up for my future, and I hate that I have to choose. The way my major is at this calibur school sometimes just drives me insane. I don't believe that academics should consume your life, and soul, but here it seems to. I am getting along alright for now, and still living healthily. I am just worried about my future years, the higher level classes, and fun. What ever happened to fun, and by fun I mean riding on a swing, not getting drunk and making an ass out of yourself? I guess I really haven't had the time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life lately, other than Mario Tennis, but that is a sidenote.

I also realized last night, that I am kinda a selfish asshole, and that I am struck by moments when I want to change my life for the better, mostly at night, but during the day when I act, I forget my desire to change for the better and just fall into my old habbits.

My Godfather died and was burried yesterday, I didn't go to the funeral, school took priority. I really want to see him again, now that he is gone. I remember little magic tricks he did for me when I was a kid. He is really the only person outside my family that has known me since I was little. I am crying, and I am vulnerable, and I don't care. Just remembering him and the little things makes me tear up. It is funny, my fondest memory of him is this magic trick he did for me as a kid, and whenever I think of that I think of a simpler happier time in life, when life was beautiful, now what I mostly see around me is ugliness, even when I look inward.