So I just finished watching Samurai Champloo. All of it. Such a great show. Set in feudal Japan, a story about two completely different Saurai and a young girl, and their journey to find the Samurai who smells like sunflowers. I really want to learn how to sword fight, and do more martial arts. There really is no reason why I can't, there are infinite possibilites at my fingertips, but I am limited only by my own self. People can really do anything they want, and the only thing stopping them is their own selves. I can leave now, and never come back, I can do anything. I love this feeling of infinite possibilites. It is such a damn good show. Best Anime I have ever seen. I am buying a samurai sword mostly because of this show. I really want to learn more martial arts, like get a black belt in something, I also want to learn some Zen. Take a class on it probably. I am very into self searching, and I want to try to learn more about methods and concepts behind it.

I need to start seeing the world more singularly. Allow me to explain. There are my actions and people's perceptions. I accept that as fact, I can only control my actions, and try to predict their perceptions. Now the question, is it irresponsible to not take into consideration my predictions of their perceptions. First I must realize they are only predictions and they are flawed, second there are perceptions that I cannot change. My choice is to either acomidate them or do what I want. That is what I need to work out. I can't let other crap from outside get in the way, such as social laws, and my own personal fears. I have felt fearless, and I need to learn to get that more. Because fear is nothing. There is no real reason to fear anything. I also need to rid myself of my overactive sense of guilt. Some guilt is good because it helps you learn from your mistakes, but the type of guild that I have been plagued with is quite disabling to me. I need to be more bold, not brash, but bold. I am happy that I don't crave attention, that would make my life so much more difficult. The problem with always trying to expand your mind and understanding of self, is that you end up with more and more things unresolved.

So I was in the shower this morning and I realized clearly how different my brother and I are. While I was in the shower my brother needed something from the bathroom, and I lock the door cuz I like my privacy. If I was in his situation I would have either waited, or banged on the door till he could hear me and let me in. Here is what my brother did, he picked the lock took what he needed and left the door open. This situation I feel is a very good metaphor for how differently we live life, and why he is more successful in some situations than me. See he knows what he wants and he says fie to anything that stands in his way, and then tramples on it, if it won't get out of his way, this is what all successful people are like, they see their goal and don't let anything stand in the way of their persuit of that goal. What I do is try to take into consideration the feelings of those in my way and usually get distracted by them.

I also realized in the shower that I am hipocritical, because I want to believe in one thing and try my best to, but end up doing something different. I feel badly about this, but I am trying and that is better than what I can say of most people. I just need to try harder.

I have gotten to the point where I am really missing college, and my college friends. This craving has probably arisen because Zach has been gone, but he got back today and him and I went to a bonfire tonight. It was pleasant. I was polite. But I really just want to go back to college, get it started and get on the right track. I am going to get a 4.00 this semester I can feel it. I know I am going to do well and redeem myself from my failures of last semester. I also am going to get a job the first couple of days of college. I would really like to either work with a professor on research or the sort, or at That's Rentertainment, a kickass movie rental place near me. I am hella tired, but I am writing anyways. I need to sort out my iTunes music to stuff I don't listen to, and stuff I do. I told Denny's today I wanted to work full time, till I got back to college. I found out at Blockbuster today that I aparantly failed the personality exam, fuck that shit. I hate those tedious tests. I am disappointed that I have to go back to Denny's, I would have much prefered a different place to work, but my parents are on my ass 24/7, and I am strapped for cash. On that note I am getting a samurai sword for $20 this is the sword I am getting. I have become addicted to this awesome anime called Samurai Champloo, I strongly suggest it. I really want to be able to pay for my apartment, so I can call it mine, and not get bitched at so much for being lazy. I also want to redesign this blog and customize everything. I don't like templated stuff, lazy way out I see it as, strange how when I want to do something I am not lazy. Ohh on a proud sidenote, my head hair is the same length as my beard hair now. I think that is awesome, I have wanted that for a while, and now I have it.

So yesterday I went to a talk with Julie Walker, an intuitive healer, at the Baha'i home. The seats were arranged in concentric circles, and I sat in the inner most circle. Her talk was alright, but it was more of her demeanor that struck me. When she looked me directly in the eyes, there was something captivating about it, captivating yet reassuring. After she looked me in the eyes I started smiling for no real reason. Also during her talk I noticed that she was, or at least seemed, happy the whole time. I wanted to ask her how she manages to do this, remain happy all the time. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to ask her about it. There were smaller discussions going on, and I had to take my friend back to my house. One thing she said, that wasn't really part of her talk was, to have confidence that you can attract the love you deserve. I paraphrase it poorly, but the gist of it is that you should have confidence that you can attract love, and not always go in search of it. It seems that I have always been searching for love, and it is kinda starting to piss me off. I think I need to start just living without being concerned about love, or at least allowing it to motivate my actions, and allow the people to be drawn to me. I also need to be less condecending, but that is a whole different story. Damn my brother just called and interupted my whole train of thought. I want to meet this Julie Walker lady and I guess just talk to her and see what makes her so happy.

So yeah I stole a title of a moody blues song for the title of my entry. It describes how I feel lately. I have been waking up in the afternoon lately, not doing much, and watching alot of movies at night. I watch a new movie every night, it is nice. I hang out with my friends occasionally. My parents complain to me constantly about not working. My mom is mad at me cuz she found my crazy rap CD in her car. Might loose my computer soon. Basically wasting away. I need to spice things up, there might be a psudo VD3 union this weekend, but I doubt my parents will let me go.

My parents complain to me all the time about not working. I wanted to work at BestBuy but they probably won't hire me even though I am over qualified. I applied at Blockbuster and am going to try to actively pursue a job there for a month. I called Denny's trying to work there when people call out, no one has called me there yet. This is what I am reduced to.

On a plus note, I am getting a car for free from my uncle and taking it to college. The only downfall is that I have to go to Oklahoma to pick it up and it is a stick shift and I don't know how to work those. I will learn fast.

I am growing very exhausted of this life I am living. I am looking for a girl to take to the MusicBox Theatre a very famous indie movie theater downtown, I doubt I will find someone worthy, and will probably go with Zach. I miss college and can't wait to go back. I need a routine, and miss my friends there. I also look forward to getting a job at school and doing well in my classes, I have to do both otherwise I am screwed. I want to at least pay for my apartment, so it can be mine.

I am just sick of sitting around and being bitched at by my parents.