Saturday, June 25, 2005

The Jig Is Up

I am almost done with my work here in Orlando, and I am ready to leave. I miss my friends and family, and I miss people my age I can talk to. My aunt has been more than hospitable and nice to me, but I just have needs. I need my computer and internet and my records, and all that stuff. I don't know, it sounds stupid and materialistic, but I miss alot of crap. I also miss peace and quiet and my room. I am just ready to go home. I miss it.

I never really had this problem at college, because I kept busy and I had people there who cared, and shared the same situation. Here it is just me all alone. Dying slowly inside.

When I was on the train back from Fort Lauderdale I was pondering riding the rails with very few possesions, and making a photo journal of the whole trip. That would be fun, lonely, and dangerous. The rail system is probably highly regulated now because of terrorism alerts. It would still be cool though. I would also like to just start driving somewhere, not knowing where, and just see where fate takes me, and who I meet. These are all crazy ideas that I have but are too practical to actually do. If I just lived in the present that would be fine, but I plan ahead, and reflect on the consequences of my actions, and how they would influence those around me. I also plan the logistics of junk like that so I doesn't work to do spontaneous stuff of large magnitude.

On a completely unrelated side note, I have found this group on livejournal called MadRadHair. It is pretty funny, that is how I have been wasting my time as of late. People on there ask what they should do with their hair, and ask for approval on their new hairstyle. Alot of the hairstyles are pretty crazy, and sometimes hideous. It seems people on there are way overly nice. I want to post something just totally rediculous and see what they say. Is any crazy hair style bad to them? I also want to post my picture and see what they think of my hairstyle and what their suggestions would be, not that I care, but it is mostly curiosity at for their reactions. The people in this group are pretty much scenesters, and are addicted to myspace. It is bizzare to me. Oh well.

Ready to roll on home.



Sunday, June 19, 2005

Down and Up Florida

Sorry for falling behind on posts, I got back from Melbourne and Fort Lauderdale a little while ago. Man was it a crazy trip. Todd from my work gave me a ride to the Greyhound station, and It there was a crazy lightening storm going on while we discussed Sci-fi and mideval fighting. When I arrived at the bus depot, I could tell right off the bat that this was going to be an interesting trip. I waited for my bus to arrive and a man who had been waiting for his bus for 36 hours asked me what time it was. He smelled bad. I got on the bus and one of the last people on sat next to me. I listened to my music for a while until I got bored of that. I asked him where he was going, and he too was going to Melbourne. I ask him why, and this is what started it. He told me he was going to visit his friends and put his computer stuff in his storage room. Also his friend was getting out of jail on the 20th. I asked him what he does, he explained that he goes through trash and finds computer parts and fixes them up, then resells them. He told me about how he sold this laptop for lik $400, but that was way too cheap, but he needed the money, because he was addicted to heroine. He nonchalantly says he was addicted to heroine. This guy had a mohawk that was down and multiple face piercings. He also said he was in a mental institution for threatening to kill someone, and he escaped from the institute and walked down Florida. He said he has no criminal record, because none of the stuff he was brought in on stuck. He was a crazy kid. I wish I found out his name so maybe I could cross reference this stuff. Ohh well, he was quite facinating.
I got to Melbourne and my dad picked me up, I stayed at my grandma's house that night and watched Undercover Brother with her, it was weird. She is dying of cancer, so please say prayers for her. We went to breakfast the next day and then drove down to Fort Lauderdale.
We arrived in Fort Lauderdale and I surprised my family there cuz I never told them I was coming. My cousins were shocked when I picked them up from school, the looks on their faces were hilarious. I wrestled with my cousins, saw Batman Begins, sorry Ed, and went swimming in Lauderdale.
I took the train back, it was much more pleasant than the bus. The girl/lady who sat next to me was pleasant, and fun. We talked about college, anime, life, and people. It was fun, and much better than an ex-heroine addict. All around the whole trip was fun, and insightful. I also learned alot about alternative transportation.



Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Cure - Cut Here

I hate it when people put song lyrics in their blogs, but this song has been going through my head alot lately. I can analyze it later if you like. I doubt anyone will care though.

So we meet again!" and I offer my hand
All dry and English slow
And you look at me and I understand
Yeah it's a look I used to know
"Three long years... and your favourite man...
Is that any way to say hello?"
And you hold me... like you'll never let me go

"Oh c'mon and have a drink with me
Sit down and talk a while..."
"Oh I wish I could... and I will!
But now I just don't have the time..."
And over my shoulder as I walk away
I see you give that look goodbye...
I still see that look in your eye...

So dizzy Mr. Busy - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it June
Until later... doesn't always come

It's so hard to think "It ends sometime
And this could be the last
I should really hear you sing again
And I should really watch you dance"
Because it's hard to think
"I'll never get another chance
To hold you... to hold you... "

But chilly Mr. Dilly - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done
In a second - just hang on - all in good time - wont be long
Until later...

I should've stopped to think - I should've made the time
I could've had that drink - I could've talked a while
I would've done it right - I would've moved us on
But I didn't - now it's all too late
It's over... over
And you're gone..

I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you so much

But how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..."
But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..."
Keep on making the same mistake
Keep on aching the same heartbreak
I wish "If only..."

But "If only...."
Is a wish too late...


Kinda makes me think about my mortality and what I should be doing as opposed to what I am doing. Basically back to the question of how do you make the most of your time here on Earth.



Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Fedora controls Me Now

So today I installed Fedora Core 4 on a pentium 233, with and 8 gig hard drive. Basically a new operating system on a crap computer. I am going to be playing around with Fedora Core 4 for the next couple days, I will be blogging less, and working on computers at home and at work. What a wonderful life.

Ohh good news today I found out that the Geek Squad at BestBuy is really very easy, and I plan to try to get a job with them. I am going to call them when I can and see if I can set up an interview and maybe get a sweet job with a cool uniform and drive a cool car. Joking, or am I, you will never know.



Sunday, June 12, 2005

Hookers and Heros

So I just saw Sin City after a long time of waiting. I wanted to see it originally when it came out in theaters, but I was at college and things got in the way. By the time I got home it was out of the regular theaters so I had to wait till it was in the cheap theaters. I found that here. I went to see the movie by myself, I know kinda lame. Anyways great movie.

There were three different stories in the movie, not really related except set in the same place. Tarantino was a guest director, and the movie had some similarities to Pulp Fiction. I really don't want to give any of the plots away, but the use of color was great in the movie, and the dialogue got better as the movie went on. All in all a very good movie. Plan to buy it when it comes out.

All in all a boring day, seeing Sin City was the highlight of it. The computer is acting slow so sorry for the short entry.



Friday, June 10, 2005

Who cares?

The title of this entry is very self explanatory if taken in the right context. It is not in the futile sense, actually I feel the complete opposite right now. It will be analyzing what sort of people care about you and why they do and others don. Most of the time it is extremely difficult to truely tell who cares about you, and who doesnt. Although this can be aggrivating it is a fact of life.

My motivation for writing this entry is that I just had a talk with my cousin who I haven't seen in a while about life and the sort, and what I should be doing to improve my own life. This really helped, and if you read this thank you Hamid, just knowing you cared enough to take the time to visit, and talk to me about this stuff, and shareing your knowlege means a great deal to me. Just knowing you care makes life better.

The people that generally care most about you is your family. For the most part family provides unconditional love, and that is the greatest gift anyone can offer. They also provide adivce and will do what is needed to help you if you really need it. Why do they do this, I don't know, I guess it is human instinct, and human necessity. This is how I mean, imagine a world without family at all like no one there for you when you really need it, no one there to love you growing up, or teach you life lessons. What a terrible place that would be. Even in 1984 (the book) there was still some semblance of a family, but the party had plans to destroy that too.

In a distant second comes your friends. There are many different levels of friends and some of those may even feel like family, but the really question is that if you really need them, will your friends drop everything and come help you. That is what you have to ask yourself, I don't know how many of my friends I can say that about. Kinda crappy but true, and when you ask yourself this question, don't try to lie to yourself, you will be creating a fantasy to live.

Lying to yourself is a whole differnt topic I could go on about. Anyways I feel this is enough for today. Once again, thank you Hamid.



Thursday, June 09, 2005

Finished a Book

So I just finished 1984. I haven't felt that sort of sense of completeing soemthing in a while. I like it, unfortunately the book ended so bleakly. It was very much like a 5 act tragedy except in 3 acts. I really wanted the book to end happily but deep down in my heart I knew it could end no other way. Poor Winston. I really wanted him to be happy, I guess in the end he did become pretty much happy. The movie Brazil is amazingly similar in setting and feel to 1984. I guess that is the thing about happiness, it is relative to your ability to achive it. I guess it is like anything else.

So the real question is there any reality outside minds, same as the question if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound? I am going to say yes, beacuse of induction, which itself can't be proven. That is the thing about philosophy there are never really any answers.

So I was talking to a guy today in the locker room about staying fit. He said that he just got back from inspecting a Roadhouse grill and the people eating there were exactly the ones who shouldn't be. Why is it always that way? The things that people should be doing, they don't do. This question kinda breaks down to what came first the chicken or the egg. Why are they the way they are? I guess what I strive for is a perfect balance, between intellect, fun, disipline, the arts, and such on. Finding that perfect balance is the challenge.

So last night I stayed up till 1am reading this one guy's blog. He wrote it when he was a teacher in Japan. Mind you this is a big black guy, and these Japanese school kids are crazy. It was hilarious, I seriously laughed so hard I cried. I have not done that in a very very long time. Here is the link. Enjoy.



Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Honesty?

So I am an asshole, because I am honest. I don't leave doubt in people's minds if they ask me something directly. It is kinda crappy but I wouldn't live my life any other way. I wouldn't be able to live with trying to tell people things that would make them happy, with knowing deep down in my heart they aren't true.

I care about people's feelings, I usually try to avoid the subject if I think my opinion is offensive or will hurt them. People usually don't see this because they eitehr get pissed when I say stuff, or don't notice it because they never get hurt.

Another problem is that I stand by my opinions unless shown I am wrong. If I am shown I am wrong then I will admit it, most people won't. I just defend my opinions and explain my thought processes fully. This comes out mostly as agressive arguing.

I am not a liar, and don't plan to be. It just sucks that I get ostracized for telling the truth.

...Yeah I know, philosophy, what is truth, is it worth hurting people's feelings, yeah yeah. The truth is what I believe it to be untill proven otherwise. This is the only way to really live. Other wise you get stuck in a rut of philosophy and what to believe, and that kinda sucks. Your mind is what you have to work with on Earth. It is like the how do we know that the world doesn't exist only in our minds. There is no way to know for sure, but all we can do is trust our senses unless we have solid evidence to do otherwise. Yeah yeah what is soild evidence, whatever you deem solid enough for your tastes. I know it is circular philosophy but in philosophy there are no real answers.

That was a bit of stream of conciousness writing.



Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Memories

This is an old picture from last summer, but look at the girl in the back seat, she looks hilarious.


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Flasification of Society

So I was just thinking about something I read today. It was an MSN article about conversation starters. One of the suggestions was tell someone something good about this. Upon reflecting on this recently it got me very angry. I hate false compliments with alterior motives. It makes life infinitely more difficult for others who try to be sincere. One of the benefits of being critical, is that it really means alot to people when you compliment them. It means alot to me if someone complents me sincerely and without reason. I still remember occasions from long ago when people have complimented me.

The two side effects of insincere compliments are desentization or an overinflated ego. This is not an exclusive or either, it could be both. If people tell girls they are pretty all the time depending on the girl they might start to take it to heart and them become a arrogant condesending person, or they might just blow it off as someone trying to get in their pants and not take it to heart. This is what our society has come to.

My current emotions are very much influenced by the progress of the plot of 1984. I know this might sound insane, but in my own defence it is a very enthralling book. I was feeling great today because the book started getting more optimistic, but recently the book showed that the good turn of events meant nothing in the whole plot of things. The funny thing was that the good thing that happened wasn't even all that unique, amazing it was but that is because of the subject at hand. The point is that juxtaposed with the previous progress of the plot this slight bit of light that shone on the character's life was all in all beautiful and amazing compared to the world around him. I know I am speaking very vaguely, it is because I am trying not to give anything away, in the story.

READ 1984, amazing book.

Next book on the list Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky, of course after I finish my other four.



Monday, June 06, 2005

The Warmth of Love

So I was sitting in the server room trying to manually get the hotfixes for the computers on the test network, and after reading some 1984 during lunch. I began to think about the feeling of a real hug. You know the hug that is completely uninhibited, where you can just feel the warmth of the person and that they care. Those are great hugs. I remembered at feast yesterday this guy who I just met gave me one of those hugs, it was really nice, and kinda surprising. I have been trying to give more hugs like that lately, because it is such a great feeling. The memory of great hugs threw my mind back to the time when college was ending, and I remember how the hug that people gave me was quite an accurate representation of what our realtionship was like. I just remember getting some really great hugs, from some really great people. Coinicidentally I was listening to Tuesday's Gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd, which in my mind is their best song. It really makes me miss college.

While listening to the song I felt exceptionally powerful because of all the things that I have had the blessing to experience in my lifetime. I felt like a giant feild of energy could erupt from my body if I willed it so. It was alot like going Super Saiyan in DragonBall Z. I feel so much better now. It was really nice because it was followed by like three great songs, which is impressive since my playlist is on random. It was a simple row of coincidences that made me feel alot better.

1984 is a devastatingly good book. The picture of the future that Orwell paints is so disturbingly bleak that I was reading some of it and it made me quite sad, the predicament some of these men were. The thing that made me appreaciate the real hugs, was when Winston the main character in 1984 was describing having sex with his wife, and how she was cold and rigid during the act, and how it was just submission on her part. He grew to loathe the sex with his wife. The future that Orwell paints is as if the Nazi's won WWII, and the life that is described is where love and virtuall all emotion is illegal and considered "thoughtcrime". They are also being constantly monitored by "telescreens". Life seems utterly terrible in 1984.

Something I have been pondering lately is how life becomes boring and unfulfilling when there is no change in it. This is strange because most people actually resist change, I myself have not wanted change at times, and many a time feared it. I was thinking relating life to physics how we always need acceleration in our lives to keep from stagnation, because even if you are moving, you moving can feel like not moving if it is done for such a long time. It is an incomplete idea, I am kinda just trying to work it out on paper.

Some more thoughts on women: When I was in one of my more vindictive moods the other day I came up with this little thought.
Most girls run around like chickens with their heads cut of, but still they insist on holding their necks up high. I also had a mental image of a chicken with a bloody neck stump strutting around as if it was something spectacular. This thought and my earlier hug idea exemplify the dual nature of women, one being men's antithesis, and the second being a loving motherly figure. As a side note most of the real truely feelingful hugs I got were from girls. This struck me as odd because some of the girls I didn't even know that well, but still they were loving and sweet. The problem arises as to how to find a girl who shows more of the loving motherly side than the antithesis to men side.



Saturday, June 04, 2005

The Weekend Begins

Today was the first of 8 weekend days I will spend here in Orlando. It set the precedence, unfortunately. It began with the kids waking me up at around 9am, and then went to their Tae Kwon Do at 10. I had a nice chat with a lady who runs a particle accelerator, at Tae Kwon Do. After that I read, and read alot. I read one and a half chapters of 1984 then decided to move on to lighter material, and read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy throughout the rest of the day. I actually finished Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy today. I am very proud of myself. Luckily the book I bought has 5 other Douglas Adam Stories for me to read, all part of the Hitchhiker's saga.

The kids drove me half mad today. They wouldn't let me read and kept climbing all over me. They also we misbehaving at CompUSA. Oh well they are kids and I will just have to deal with it since I am a guest in their house. I have been trying to convince Ahmad to go see Lords of Dogtown with me tonight even thought I heard it was a crappy movie.

I ren a bit today with Ahmad at the park. It was freaking humid as all hell, because it just rained. Also we couldn't go around the park since some of it was closed for construction, that kinda annoyed me, but oh well. I will get over it.

Thoughtful Sidenote: So this character Zaphod in Hitchhiker's guide, acts totally on inpulse. It very strange to me beacuse he has considered thinking things through and decided against it because if he does he wouldn't act. The stuff he says makes you think he is extremely stupid or faking, or trying to make you think he is smarter than you.

The word of the day is asphyxiate. Here is what the dictionary defines asphyxia as: A condition in which an extreme decrease in the concentration of oxygen in the body accompanied by an increase in the concentration of carbon dioxide leads to loss of consciousness or death. Asphyxia can be induced by choking, drowning, electric shock, injury, or the inhalation of toxic gases.
Fun stuff.

What ever happened to the concept of being the best whatever you can be? I know I don't have it applying to my life. I am going to say it died in the 80's when thirst for wealth took over.

Well today has been a long day. Sadly the days seem to go by faster when I am at work. I am looking forward to going back Moday, but tomorrow is Feast, it should be fun.



Friday, June 03, 2005

Love of Literature

So here there is no cable TV and I can't watch TV anyways because the kids watch their stuff, and my stuff isn't appropriate for them. So the only other real option which I do enjoy, is reading. Today I went to Barnes and Noble and dropped a thrity spot on solely books. The three books I purchased were The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide, Of Mice and Men, and 1984. I felt a little dumb since two of the books were in the High School summer reading section, but I think it is alright since I am reading these by myself and for my own enjoyment. I stil haven't finished the book I am reading, The Seven Mysteries of Life. I will continue to read it, but between other stuff. The problem with the Seven Mysteries is that it is hard to just sit and read it, so I read it in sections. I am not going to just read one book I think. I think I am going to work on all of them at the same time, select what book to read according to the mood I am in. I feel like a cheater reading Hitchhiker's after I already saw the movie, but I am determined to read the book. I have started it, it is quite good. Reading is essential to expanding your mind.

So I went to the mall today with the two kids to get my books. The mall is an interesting place, and my interesting I mean supersaturated with things to tease your senses. Being there with the kids made this fact overly obvious. They wanted to go to every pretty store. It is interesting the different social groups here, which were made quite blatant at the mall. There are three main groups here: the playas, the punks, and the preps. The weird thing is that there isn't much gray area between the groups, people mostly fit into one of the three. The social demographics of each locations are quite intrigueing.

Today I didn't go to work, I felt kinda bad about not going. When I woke up this morning my arms were killing me. I could hardly move them they were so sore. That is the biggest reason I stayed home. It was nice having peace and quiet for a while. I just sat around and read and did very little. I enjoyed it. I did miss jeans day at work today, and the guy who is training me was looking for me, I felt bad about it, but the weekend is here now. This will be my first weekend here in Orlando and I am curious as to how it will go. The kids will probably be all over me as usual. I hope it will get better the longer I stay here. I want to get a good amount of reading done, maybe half with through Of Mice and Men, and then the other stuff with it of course, and then maybe finish my first real roll of film and take it to get developed. I hope it turns out well, but it will at least teach me what I need to do next time I take pictures. I found a messenger bag here at the house to carry all my books around, along with my music and camera, and maybe some other stuff, we will see.



Thursday, June 02, 2005

Freedom?

So I realized today I can really do anything I want to do if I just put my mind to it. I knew it before but I never really realized it until today. What sparked it today was during my lunch break I did weightlifting with a guy who holds the record for age 60-69 benchpress, and he told me I have the potential to persue it as far as I would like. I have never even visioned my self as a weightlifter, but the point is that this as a posibility shocked me into seeing that I can do anything I put my mind to. What really reinforced this idea was after weightlifing, which I was sore as hell after I did Tae Kwon Do. There I started slowly and really took onto it fast. The guy who was helping me said I should persue it more. The funny thing was that after Tae Kwon Do, I felt less sore than after weightlifting.

As an addendem I plan to try to visit the weightroom in the basement of my work as often as possible. I want to bulk up over my time here in Orlando mostly because I have little else to do, and I have the facilities. The weightlifter guy has me drinking protein shakes three times a day between meals to help supplement muscle growth. I felt huge after lifting, it was kinda cool, because I am always seen as a scrawny kid, which kinda bothers me. I would like to also continue Tae Kwon Do while I am here, because classes are free and at lunch and it is something that I think will help discipline me, and toghen me up. I am also going to do Yoga on Wednesdays, it is something I have always been secretly interested in, but never really had the drive to persue. Here it is just dropped in my lap.

Now on the artistic note. I got some sweet pictures today with my fully functioning camera today, it helps when I know what is going on with all the parts of the camera. I might even try doing some stuff blurry just for fun. I can't wait to get my first real role of film developed. I realized today I need to get a way to carry all my stuff around: the camera, the other lens, my headphones, Plalm Pilot, and the book I am reading. I am considering getting a satchel or man purse thing because it seems to be the only feasable way to carry stuff like this around. If anyone has any suggestions for ways to carry it I am all ears. The other artistic note is that I learned to play the piano part to my favorite Cure song Just Like Heaven. I am happy about that because I have been meaning to do that for a while.

Maybe true freedom is realizing you can do anything?
Ohh and I have decided that my favorite Simon and Garfunkel song is Wednesday Morning, 3 AM



Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Orlando: A Working Man is Born

For the first time in a while, I have looked forward to going to work. It may be because at work I get to meet new people and work in my field, or because I get to get out of the house and into a different setting. Who knows? The point is I am enjoying work. It is a nice environment because I have no real responsibility but I am still learning stuff. I do miss all my friends and being at home with my family and my bedroom. I also miss the freedom of just being able to go out when I want. I actually have a normal sleep schedule now, I am going to bed soon if you can believe that, mostly because my aunt wants to leave here at 7:00am tomorrow. It is kinda weird for me.

They have a gym in the basement of their building, where I can work out. I will acutally be training tomorrow with a World Class bench presser, for the over 60 bracket. I was supposed to do yoga today, but I worked most of lunch and my aunt couldn't find me to get me for yoga. The people at work are nice, but all alot older than me. I wish I had someone my age I could talk to or do stuff with, especially a female. Oh well that is the way it is.

I have actually be getting into photography lately. I screwed up my first roll of film by putting it in the wrong way. I wonder what will come out of the pictures I tried to take. It is ok none of them were that great. I think I got this new roll in the right way. Actually that is what I spent most of this evening doing, reading about the camera and what each knob does and how to use it. I think I have the basic ideas down of aperture and shutter speed. I am enjoying just playing with the camera though.

I know I promised I wouldn't really write about my day to day goings on, but honestly I don't have very much else to write about. It kinda disappoints me, but I have had very little time to just sit and think, or just read. The kids have been keeping me busy.