Here are the books I am meaning to read:
Brother Zaramakov, Farenheit 451, Rules of Attraction, American Psycho, Kitab-i-Iqan, Simulation and Simulacra, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and other Hunter S. Thompson Short Stories, Letters to a Young Poet, and Razor's Edge
The last two are newest additions, that I haven't bought yet. I probably should finish some of the other ones first, but I love being able to read according to my mood. I read Rules of Attraction today for like an hour in the Union after getting my flu shot, and meeting with my advisor. It was kinda cool how enveloping it was, because before I started reading it, I could hear all these voices, afterwards, all I could hear was me reading to myself, kinda weird.

I am not as philosophical as I used to be, and that kinda saddens me. I am gonna go buy a new book tomorrow called Simulacra and Simulation about how society only sees images. It should be right up my alley. I need something to replace The Seven Mysteries of Life as my philosophical reading. Hopefully I will start to read alot more since our cable went out. I don't know my room mates kinda want it back. Oh well, we will see what happens.

So my friend is feeling really shitty, so I called her and talked to her tonight. This led me to thinking why do bad things always happen to good people. This notion seemed highly improbably so I decided to analyze it further.

Upon further analysis. I realized this really isn't the case. Bad things happen equally to all people, but bad people care less about what happens, and therefore bad things effect bad people less than they effect good people. Good people because they care about things and what they do are more effected by bad things, and also when people see bad things happening to good people it seems unjust to them, versus when bad things happen to bad people, it seems like justice is served.

A little bit of Badi logic in the wee hours of the morning.

2am, the is the loneliest time of night. You mind is still working well, and no one is awake who you can relate to. If they are awake at this hour they are doing something.

So I just watched the trailer for a movied called Paradise Now, which can be viewed here, it is about two Palestinian suicide bombers and their journey to their goal. They reconsider what they are doing several times, and it seems to be a very human story, doubtful to be appreciated by most American viewers. The thing was, watching that trailer made me miss Saudi Arabia soo damn much. I am getting all teary eyed. These two shots especially.

I miss the culture, the simple life, the loyalty, the brotherhood, all that crazy shit that American culture totally lacks. America is so damn completely devoid of any culture, and it really makes me miss Saudi Arabia because of the sharp contrast. Saudi Arabia people still wore the traditional garb to work, regularly. I really miss shit like that.

Good did come out of this though. I decided I am going to take Arabic next semester. Saudi Arabia is really a big part of my life, I was raised there, it is part of who I am, and why I am the way I am today. God I really want to smoke shisha, and just sit and talk.

I am sick, sick of the world, and the games one is required to play in this world. People are pissing me off more and more lately, and I am tired. I really feel like I wanna just take a year off and go somewhere and really just do my own thing. I believe there are two worlds, the world of the mind, and the world that surrounds us. The more these two worlds coincide the happier one is. The world in my mind is not even close to the world that exists around me. In my world, everyone would say hello to everyone else on the street, people wouldn't try to hide who they are, they would wear it like a badge of honor for everyone else to see. In my world, people will care about how their actions effect those around them, and take that into consideration before acting. In my world everyone would love everyone else, and care about and listen to them. This is my world, and it exists only in my mind. I want to do a year of service, but I am pretty sure that it will mess everything up for my future, and I hate that I have to choose. The way my major is at this calibur school sometimes just drives me insane. I don't believe that academics should consume your life, and soul, but here it seems to. I am getting along alright for now, and still living healthily. I am just worried about my future years, the higher level classes, and fun. What ever happened to fun, and by fun I mean riding on a swing, not getting drunk and making an ass out of yourself? I guess I really haven't had the time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life lately, other than Mario Tennis, but that is a sidenote.

I also realized last night, that I am kinda a selfish asshole, and that I am struck by moments when I want to change my life for the better, mostly at night, but during the day when I act, I forget my desire to change for the better and just fall into my old habbits.

My Godfather died and was burried yesterday, I didn't go to the funeral, school took priority. I really want to see him again, now that he is gone. I remember little magic tricks he did for me when I was a kid. He is really the only person outside my family that has known me since I was little. I am crying, and I am vulnerable, and I don't care. Just remembering him and the little things makes me tear up. It is funny, my fondest memory of him is this magic trick he did for me as a kid, and whenever I think of that I think of a simpler happier time in life, when life was beautiful, now what I mostly see around me is ugliness, even when I look inward.

This man right here is my hero. Lil Wayne, one bad ass rapper, who I really don't know too much about, except that he is bad ass. I mean why not, he is a good a hero as anyone else out there in the business today, everyone is pretty much saying the same thing, just a little differently, except ASHLEE SIMSON. I just finished watching Ashlee Simpson's new video on the MTV, and she is telling some girl how she isn't responsible for stealing her boyfriend. WHO CARES!?!?!? And then she talked about some other garbage, and didn't really say anything. You know the typical, if you don't say anything no one can be mad at you. F that S. Lil Wayne throws a finger in the air because he doesn't care, and that is why he is my hero.

So this past weekend was the Persian conference, which was retarded as usual. All my friends ditched me and chased chicks, and I was basically left alone for half the time, the other half I was playing hokm with Micheal, or playing frisbee with Zach. Which kinda made me realize something about myself. I enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I mean I could go chase women, and try to be what they want me to be, but I personally would much rather just sit and play cards with my friends, or toss the disk, or watch a good movie. I really just enjoy spending time with good people, we don't even really have to be doing anything as long as I am in good company. This rush and tumble lifestyle most people live, is not for me, I do my work when I feel like it, I relax when I feel like it. Life is pretty good. The trouble is just realizing which friends will be with you through what. You can't really fault them for who they are, you really have to accept it, and move onwards.

On a completely separate note, I got a job today, I will be teaching classes through CITES, for computer programs, pretty basic stuff, but it is a job in my field, and I am happy to have at least that. I am also currently listening to Foreplay/Long Time by Boston, such an amazing song, and it is kick back rock, which really complements my mood.

This addressed to all the people of the world. Is there really anybody inside of you, or are you that empty shell most of you appear to be? For some reason I have the terrible feeling that most people are just empty shells that have hardly any souls, or anything of offer the world, the term I am looking for is the spark of life, people today seem to lack that, or have attempted to manufacture an artificial spark. It is strange, the world we live in. I am not gonna say it was any better than it was before or worse than it was, because honestly I have no idea, I have only recently come into conciousness, which is better than I can say for most people. You probably have no idea what I am talking about, because it is do damn vague, but life can only be described in vagraties, because of the complexity. Like math the more complex the idea the more variables it requires.

I want someone to listen to my problems, and ask me how I am. I feel kinda like Kevin Spacey's character in American Beauty, like no one really cares how I feel and what my problems are. I don't think it is too much to ask. I am a very internal person and keep my feelings and thoughts to myself for the most part, partially because I don't want to burden people with them, and partially because I don't feel all that comfortable sharing them with just anyone.

The world that surrounds us is a deliverance and distraction from the pain that life is, without a mind numbing world at times, imagine how depressed the world would be. Think of all the fanatics out there, fanatics of anything, who need that thing to get them through the day, without that what would their lives be? Emptyness.

In fairness I am not loathing all of it, it is nice to see the boys of VD3 again, and having an apartment is nice. Now to the stuff of my loathing. My friends have gotten into going to the bars, which freaking sucks for me since:
1) I don't drink, this fact makes going to the bars almost useless and is dibilitating in many ways, espcecially at the bars, eg: talking to random people, hard to do when you are sober, or picking up chicks, hard to do with a moral conciousness which most people have when sober, which leads me to my next reason
2) Meeting people, girls are surrounded by guys who basically want to get in their pants, and grind on them, me, I am not so into that, so striking up a lively conversation about life is a bit strange to them, espcially the ones who want the attention from the males. This also leads to disheartening situations such as the one tonight, I was coming back from the bathroom and was trying to walk by and a girl starts dancing in front of me, not noticing me, I put my arms up and try to walk by, and she pushes me away as if I was trying to dance up on her. That was a pretty bad shot to my self esteem, I know it is stupid and I should just blow it off, but it still hurts. What this leads me to want to do, once I get up the courage, is dance up on pretty much every hot chick at some bar I go to, just for the sheer experimentation of it. Basically try to be as rediculously social as possible, this will take some regrouping time.
3) Going to the bars you don't see the best type of people there, basically the people you see at the bars are skanks and tools, it is a few steps above going to a frat party. Seeing these people basically makes me hate people more and more.

It is weird at home I really wanted to be back at school, and at now school is starting to pisss me off. I hope when classes start up fully I will be more busy and have less time to worry about this junk. I also hope Tae Kwon Do will help me build up more confidence for my historic assault against bar culture, because when I did Tae Kwon Do it made me feel alot better about myself, just working out in general. I should start again. I should but will I, who knows, only time will tell.

So I got back from Oklahoma at 3am last night from picking up my car with my dad. He drove 22 hours so we could go and get this car for me. I really can't say how much that means to me. But the news is that my new car is a white 1997 Honda Civic LX. It has a manual trasmission so I have been practicing that. It is like learning to drive all over again. It is fun, and I am enjoying being able to be in controll of the car. I want to fix this car up and make it my baby. I am going to take it to the shop and have them give it a complete looking over. I hope it doesn't cost too much to fix and clean everything. I also need to get my car a good washing, it is pretty dirty. The driving shift is fun, I have been staying in my neighborhood lately but I think maybe tonight I will take it out to get it washed or something. My biggest worry is it stalling out at a light or something like that.

I am going to Batavia either today or tomorrow to visit my room mates for next year, so we can sort out all the stuff we need to get and who will be buying what. It is going to be pretty expensive all the stuff we have to buy for the apartment. We also decided to not get cable TV. This should be a good/difficult change for me, but really TV is just way too much of a distraction. Oh if anyone has suggestions on things to get for my apartment that I usually wouldn't think of, I would really appreciate it.

So I just finished watching Samurai Champloo. All of it. Such a great show. Set in feudal Japan, a story about two completely different Saurai and a young girl, and their journey to find the Samurai who smells like sunflowers. I really want to learn how to sword fight, and do more martial arts. There really is no reason why I can't, there are infinite possibilites at my fingertips, but I am limited only by my own self. People can really do anything they want, and the only thing stopping them is their own selves. I can leave now, and never come back, I can do anything. I love this feeling of infinite possibilites. It is such a damn good show. Best Anime I have ever seen. I am buying a samurai sword mostly because of this show. I really want to learn more martial arts, like get a black belt in something, I also want to learn some Zen. Take a class on it probably. I am very into self searching, and I want to try to learn more about methods and concepts behind it.

I need to start seeing the world more singularly. Allow me to explain. There are my actions and people's perceptions. I accept that as fact, I can only control my actions, and try to predict their perceptions. Now the question, is it irresponsible to not take into consideration my predictions of their perceptions. First I must realize they are only predictions and they are flawed, second there are perceptions that I cannot change. My choice is to either acomidate them or do what I want. That is what I need to work out. I can't let other crap from outside get in the way, such as social laws, and my own personal fears. I have felt fearless, and I need to learn to get that more. Because fear is nothing. There is no real reason to fear anything. I also need to rid myself of my overactive sense of guilt. Some guilt is good because it helps you learn from your mistakes, but the type of guild that I have been plagued with is quite disabling to me. I need to be more bold, not brash, but bold. I am happy that I don't crave attention, that would make my life so much more difficult. The problem with always trying to expand your mind and understanding of self, is that you end up with more and more things unresolved.

So I was in the shower this morning and I realized clearly how different my brother and I are. While I was in the shower my brother needed something from the bathroom, and I lock the door cuz I like my privacy. If I was in his situation I would have either waited, or banged on the door till he could hear me and let me in. Here is what my brother did, he picked the lock took what he needed and left the door open. This situation I feel is a very good metaphor for how differently we live life, and why he is more successful in some situations than me. See he knows what he wants and he says fie to anything that stands in his way, and then tramples on it, if it won't get out of his way, this is what all successful people are like, they see their goal and don't let anything stand in the way of their persuit of that goal. What I do is try to take into consideration the feelings of those in my way and usually get distracted by them.

I also realized in the shower that I am hipocritical, because I want to believe in one thing and try my best to, but end up doing something different. I feel badly about this, but I am trying and that is better than what I can say of most people. I just need to try harder.

I have gotten to the point where I am really missing college, and my college friends. This craving has probably arisen because Zach has been gone, but he got back today and him and I went to a bonfire tonight. It was pleasant. I was polite. But I really just want to go back to college, get it started and get on the right track. I am going to get a 4.00 this semester I can feel it. I know I am going to do well and redeem myself from my failures of last semester. I also am going to get a job the first couple of days of college. I would really like to either work with a professor on research or the sort, or at That's Rentertainment, a kickass movie rental place near me. I am hella tired, but I am writing anyways. I need to sort out my iTunes music to stuff I don't listen to, and stuff I do. I told Denny's today I wanted to work full time, till I got back to college. I found out at Blockbuster today that I aparantly failed the personality exam, fuck that shit. I hate those tedious tests. I am disappointed that I have to go back to Denny's, I would have much prefered a different place to work, but my parents are on my ass 24/7, and I am strapped for cash. On that note I am getting a samurai sword for $20 this is the sword I am getting. I have become addicted to this awesome anime called Samurai Champloo, I strongly suggest it. I really want to be able to pay for my apartment, so I can call it mine, and not get bitched at so much for being lazy. I also want to redesign this blog and customize everything. I don't like templated stuff, lazy way out I see it as, strange how when I want to do something I am not lazy. Ohh on a proud sidenote, my head hair is the same length as my beard hair now. I think that is awesome, I have wanted that for a while, and now I have it.

So yesterday I went to a talk with Julie Walker, an intuitive healer, at the Baha'i home. The seats were arranged in concentric circles, and I sat in the inner most circle. Her talk was alright, but it was more of her demeanor that struck me. When she looked me directly in the eyes, there was something captivating about it, captivating yet reassuring. After she looked me in the eyes I started smiling for no real reason. Also during her talk I noticed that she was, or at least seemed, happy the whole time. I wanted to ask her how she manages to do this, remain happy all the time. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to ask her about it. There were smaller discussions going on, and I had to take my friend back to my house. One thing she said, that wasn't really part of her talk was, to have confidence that you can attract the love you deserve. I paraphrase it poorly, but the gist of it is that you should have confidence that you can attract love, and not always go in search of it. It seems that I have always been searching for love, and it is kinda starting to piss me off. I think I need to start just living without being concerned about love, or at least allowing it to motivate my actions, and allow the people to be drawn to me. I also need to be less condecending, but that is a whole different story. Damn my brother just called and interupted my whole train of thought. I want to meet this Julie Walker lady and I guess just talk to her and see what makes her so happy.

So yeah I stole a title of a moody blues song for the title of my entry. It describes how I feel lately. I have been waking up in the afternoon lately, not doing much, and watching alot of movies at night. I watch a new movie every night, it is nice. I hang out with my friends occasionally. My parents complain to me constantly about not working. My mom is mad at me cuz she found my crazy rap CD in her car. Might loose my computer soon. Basically wasting away. I need to spice things up, there might be a psudo VD3 union this weekend, but I doubt my parents will let me go.

My parents complain to me all the time about not working. I wanted to work at BestBuy but they probably won't hire me even though I am over qualified. I applied at Blockbuster and am going to try to actively pursue a job there for a month. I called Denny's trying to work there when people call out, no one has called me there yet. This is what I am reduced to.

On a plus note, I am getting a car for free from my uncle and taking it to college. The only downfall is that I have to go to Oklahoma to pick it up and it is a stick shift and I don't know how to work those. I will learn fast.

I am growing very exhausted of this life I am living. I am looking for a girl to take to the MusicBox Theatre a very famous indie movie theater downtown, I doubt I will find someone worthy, and will probably go with Zach. I miss college and can't wait to go back. I need a routine, and miss my friends there. I also look forward to getting a job at school and doing well in my classes, I have to do both otherwise I am screwed. I want to at least pay for my apartment, so it can be mine.

I am just sick of sitting around and being bitched at by my parents.

I am almost done with my work here in Orlando, and I am ready to leave. I miss my friends and family, and I miss people my age I can talk to. My aunt has been more than hospitable and nice to me, but I just have needs. I need my computer and internet and my records, and all that stuff. I don't know, it sounds stupid and materialistic, but I miss alot of crap. I also miss peace and quiet and my room. I am just ready to go home. I miss it.

I never really had this problem at college, because I kept busy and I had people there who cared, and shared the same situation. Here it is just me all alone. Dying slowly inside.

When I was on the train back from Fort Lauderdale I was pondering riding the rails with very few possesions, and making a photo journal of the whole trip. That would be fun, lonely, and dangerous. The rail system is probably highly regulated now because of terrorism alerts. It would still be cool though. I would also like to just start driving somewhere, not knowing where, and just see where fate takes me, and who I meet. These are all crazy ideas that I have but are too practical to actually do. If I just lived in the present that would be fine, but I plan ahead, and reflect on the consequences of my actions, and how they would influence those around me. I also plan the logistics of junk like that so I doesn't work to do spontaneous stuff of large magnitude.

On a completely unrelated side note, I have found this group on livejournal called MadRadHair. It is pretty funny, that is how I have been wasting my time as of late. People on there ask what they should do with their hair, and ask for approval on their new hairstyle. Alot of the hairstyles are pretty crazy, and sometimes hideous. It seems people on there are way overly nice. I want to post something just totally rediculous and see what they say. Is any crazy hair style bad to them? I also want to post my picture and see what they think of my hairstyle and what their suggestions would be, not that I care, but it is mostly curiosity at for their reactions. The people in this group are pretty much scenesters, and are addicted to myspace. It is bizzare to me. Oh well.

Ready to roll on home.

Sorry for falling behind on posts, I got back from Melbourne and Fort Lauderdale a little while ago. Man was it a crazy trip. Todd from my work gave me a ride to the Greyhound station, and It there was a crazy lightening storm going on while we discussed Sci-fi and mideval fighting. When I arrived at the bus depot, I could tell right off the bat that this was going to be an interesting trip. I waited for my bus to arrive and a man who had been waiting for his bus for 36 hours asked me what time it was. He smelled bad. I got on the bus and one of the last people on sat next to me. I listened to my music for a while until I got bored of that. I asked him where he was going, and he too was going to Melbourne. I ask him why, and this is what started it. He told me he was going to visit his friends and put his computer stuff in his storage room. Also his friend was getting out of jail on the 20th. I asked him what he does, he explained that he goes through trash and finds computer parts and fixes them up, then resells them. He told me about how he sold this laptop for lik $400, but that was way too cheap, but he needed the money, because he was addicted to heroine. He nonchalantly says he was addicted to heroine. This guy had a mohawk that was down and multiple face piercings. He also said he was in a mental institution for threatening to kill someone, and he escaped from the institute and walked down Florida. He said he has no criminal record, because none of the stuff he was brought in on stuck. He was a crazy kid. I wish I found out his name so maybe I could cross reference this stuff. Ohh well, he was quite facinating.
I got to Melbourne and my dad picked me up, I stayed at my grandma's house that night and watched Undercover Brother with her, it was weird. She is dying of cancer, so please say prayers for her. We went to breakfast the next day and then drove down to Fort Lauderdale.
We arrived in Fort Lauderdale and I surprised my family there cuz I never told them I was coming. My cousins were shocked when I picked them up from school, the looks on their faces were hilarious. I wrestled with my cousins, saw Batman Begins, sorry Ed, and went swimming in Lauderdale.
I took the train back, it was much more pleasant than the bus. The girl/lady who sat next to me was pleasant, and fun. We talked about college, anime, life, and people. It was fun, and much better than an ex-heroine addict. All around the whole trip was fun, and insightful. I also learned alot about alternative transportation.

I hate it when people put song lyrics in their blogs, but this song has been going through my head alot lately. I can analyze it later if you like. I doubt anyone will care though.

So we meet again!" and I offer my hand
All dry and English slow
And you look at me and I understand
Yeah it's a look I used to know
"Three long years... and your favourite man...
Is that any way to say hello?"
And you hold me... like you'll never let me go

"Oh c'mon and have a drink with me
Sit down and talk a while..."
"Oh I wish I could... and I will!
But now I just don't have the time..."
And over my shoulder as I walk away
I see you give that look goodbye...
I still see that look in your eye...

So dizzy Mr. Busy - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it June
Until later... doesn't always come

It's so hard to think "It ends sometime
And this could be the last
I should really hear you sing again
And I should really watch you dance"
Because it's hard to think
"I'll never get another chance
To hold you... to hold you... "

But chilly Mr. Dilly - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done
In a second - just hang on - all in good time - wont be long
Until later...

I should've stopped to think - I should've made the time
I could've had that drink - I could've talked a while
I would've done it right - I would've moved us on
But I didn't - now it's all too late
It's over... over
And you're gone..

I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you so much

But how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..."
But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..."
Keep on making the same mistake
Keep on aching the same heartbreak
I wish "If only..."

But "If only...."
Is a wish too late...


Kinda makes me think about my mortality and what I should be doing as opposed to what I am doing. Basically back to the question of how do you make the most of your time here on Earth.

So today I installed Fedora Core 4 on a pentium 233, with and 8 gig hard drive. Basically a new operating system on a crap computer. I am going to be playing around with Fedora Core 4 for the next couple days, I will be blogging less, and working on computers at home and at work. What a wonderful life.

Ohh good news today I found out that the Geek Squad at BestBuy is really very easy, and I plan to try to get a job with them. I am going to call them when I can and see if I can set up an interview and maybe get a sweet job with a cool uniform and drive a cool car. Joking, or am I, you will never know.

So I just saw Sin City after a long time of waiting. I wanted to see it originally when it came out in theaters, but I was at college and things got in the way. By the time I got home it was out of the regular theaters so I had to wait till it was in the cheap theaters. I found that here. I went to see the movie by myself, I know kinda lame. Anyways great movie.

There were three different stories in the movie, not really related except set in the same place. Tarantino was a guest director, and the movie had some similarities to Pulp Fiction. I really don't want to give any of the plots away, but the use of color was great in the movie, and the dialogue got better as the movie went on. All in all a very good movie. Plan to buy it when it comes out.

All in all a boring day, seeing Sin City was the highlight of it. The computer is acting slow so sorry for the short entry.